‘across the universe’ achieves the impossible

This movie made me hate Beatles music!

Yep, being the wonderful boyfriend that I am, I agreed to go see this movie with my girl on my furlough day yesterday. I’ve only ever been to one other movie that I seriously considered walking out of (The Village), and this was the second.

I was planning to write a rather lengthy screed about what a terrible waste of celluloid this piece of crap was, but Best Week Ever already did the heavy lifting for me:

Across the Universe is the Best Comedy of 2007
It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to sit down in a movie theater, sink into my chair as the lights dim, and then proceed to laugh my ass off for an (ungodly) 131 minutes… which is why I would personally like to thank director and Chinese-water-torture enthusiast Julie Taymor for giving us just that with her Beatles movie musical Across the Universe, the funniest movie of 2007. The movie is a love story between one Liverpoolian “bloke” named Jude (a Paul McCartney lookalike, natch) who heads off to America to find his father, a window washer at Princeton University. Once there, he coincidentally meets a cast of characters named after famous Beatles songs! Including his best friend Max (who, surprisingly, did not have a silver hammer welded to his hand), his landlord Sadie, a small Asian lesbian named Prudence, a Jimi Hendrix clone named JoJo, and various other folks including, but not limited to, Mr. Kite (played by Eddie Izzard.)

The movie is a LOLocaust from start to finish. The very first scene is our protagonist, played honestly and quite well by the adorable Jim Sturgess, sitting on a beach. Slowly he turns to look at the camera, stares at us in our seats, and begins wailing “Is there anybody going to listen to my story, all about the girl who came to stay?” Sure, I knew this was a Beatles musical from the get go, but REALLY? THAT is how you’re starting a Beatles musical movie? Holy ess.

The truth is, when I first heard they were making a Beatles movie musical, I was pretty excited — I love the Beatles! Who doesn’t love the Beatles? Communists and child molesters, that’s who! But this movie was a slap to the face! They took the lyrics to every song so literally that the film starts to almost get self-conscious. Like, did the Prudence character really need to hide in a closet, or did they just write that in so the characters could beg “Dear Prudence, won’t you come out and play?” And during one of my favorite Beatles numbers, “She’s So Heavy”, did Max, about to be sent to Vietnam, really have to carry a huge replica of the Statue of Liberty?!? As a drama, I was appalled… but as a comedy, I was fully satisfied! I half expected the main character to kill himself during “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” Sadly, he didn’t (that would have shaved a solid 20 minutes off the run time).

In conclusion, Across the Universe is the perfect film to see if you are 1.High; 2. In Jail; 3. Stuck on a Desert Island; 4. Dead; or 5. In Need for Some Good Laughs. How this movie was even approved by The Beatles estate to begin with is baffling. All this being said: I did download the Deluxe Edition Soundtrack off of Itunes. Because I have no willpower and am clearly menty-handskies.

And because I always feel guilty if I don’t say something nice: Parts of the movie were very beautiful. The end.

I’d say that sums up my thoughts about this movie.

Oh, and Bono should be ashamed of himself for being involved with this spectacular piece of crap.